Horse Play

Somewhere Charles Darwin and Sigmund Freud are sitting together having a good laugh and a cold beer.

Last week, a story appeared in the news about a man who was humped to death by a horse. Yes, you read that right. A man. Was humped to death. By a horse. Put that all together and think about it for a sec.

Done? I’m not. I don’t think I ever will be. This guy, whose name I’m sure we’ll never find out, somehow coaxed a horse into mounting him from behind. He then later died because of blood loss in the rectal region. This is, hands down, the craziest, most bizarre, fucked up thing I have ever heard. I don’t even know where to begin. There’s about a million questions spinning through my mind right now and I’m sure another million more in yours. The list goes something like this:

• Why have sex with a horse?
• How do you get a horse to have sex with you?
• If you’re having sex with a horse, why be on the receiving end?
• How does the horse feel about it?
• What was the family’s reaction when they heard the news?
• When will Fox start airing When Animals Attack… Asses?

There’s another question that’s been circling around in the darkest recesses of my mind: if you were in a life or death situation and the only way out was to have sex with an animal, but you got to pick which kind, what animal would you choose?

In my unofficial poll, monkeys maintain a solid lead due to their similarities to us humans and, I’m guessing, their bootylicious derrières. The way I see it though, if you’re going to have sex with an animal, why not go all out? Do you really want to have sex with something that’s sort of a little bit like us? Hell no. That’s like eating pizza potato chips if you’re in the mood for pizza. You’re only cheating yourself.

Other, more exotic animals on the list have included a rabbit, a chipmunk and a house fly (!). One participant enthusiastically answered “Goat!” before I was even done asking the question. As for me, it may sound cliché, but I would have to go with an old favourite: sheep.

Since chimps, baboons and orangutans are like us, they also carry on some of our ugly characteristics. They pick their bums, they eat lice and they drink their own urine. Call me a prude all you want, but that’s just not gonna fly with this boy. Sheep, on the other hand, are beautiful creatures. They’re amazingly soft. So soft, in fact, the cuddling afterwards would be worth it in itself.

I wouldn’t normally throw out a question like that but I figure no taboo is too risqué anymore. We laugh, we joke, but what we don’t realize is that we should really look at this bizarre example and learn from it. Guys like Freud and Darwin dedicated their lives to the study of human nature and the origins of mankind. If they have been looking down on us for the last few decades they probably gave up a long time ago. If any part of them was still holding out hope that us humans could redeem ourselves their dreams were quickly shattered upon hearing this story last week. They probably just tipped their glasses in a toast to mankind. We were good while we lasted but this story proves one thing: in a world already gone mad, it has now become official; evolution, my friends, is dead.

The Revolution

What’s a blog?

Here I am, among my people, the cyber-losers, who see it fit to publish whatever goo spews from the tips of our fingers and the tops of our brains. I’m just some schmuck jumping on the bandwagon in the hopes of joining in on the fun. You know the kind of guy. This is the same person who tells you "Million Dollar Baby is a really good movie” the night after it wins the Best Picture Oscar. Or the same dude who starts cheering for your favourite Hockey team in game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals after dissing them for an entire season. There’s something to be said about conformity. With the clueless abandon of a cow being ushered into a slaughter house, now it’s my turn to join the herd.

As I type this up in Microsoft Word I highlight “blog” and use the usually handy Thesaurus option. Surprisingly, the little guy doesn’t have an entry for such a word. Hmm. Now I’m looking at my old Merriam-Webster dictionary. There’s “blockhouse” and “blonde” but no “blog” sandwiched in-between.

I guess I should join the electronic revolution and check out the resources at my disposal. Where to go? What to see? I could start my search with the online encyclopedia, Wikipedia. I could just Google it. I Suppose I could even try asking that Jeeves guy what a “blog” is. For whatever reason (and no doubt a sprinkling of nostalgia), I end up at dictionary.com. Finally, I know exactly what a blog is. It’s an “online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page; also called Weblog.” It’s nice to finally have an official definition, although that’s pretty close to what I had imagined.

To me, blogs are equivalent of standing on a street corner holding a cardboard sign with the slogan “The End Is Neer!” emblazoned on the front. It’s a place for anyone, even weirdos and crazies like me, to get our voice out. It’s like a big wall. Rather, it’s part of it. The internet is the entire wall. Blogs are just a brick. People throw up whatever they want, seeing if it’ll stick. That’s what makes the internet such a unique and revolutionary form of media. We are the purveyors of content. Let’s see NBC give up a half hour during its Must See Thursday lineup and let us program it.

The internet gives anyone with 2 cents and access to a keyboard the freedom to do whatever they want. Theoretically, we’re all on an equal ground. As for me, I can say I’m trying to get a point across. I can say I have an agenda and an argument to make. And I can say I want to entertain people. Ideally, all those would be true. Realistically, I’m doing this blog because I like writing and haven’t done much in a while. This little web log is my excuse to keep that up. Nevertheless, I’ve joined the masses in conforming. Yet I’m revolting at the same time. These seemingly two disparate ideologies end up working together in a sort of vicious circle. We’re revolting to avoid conforming, yet we’re conforming to revolt. It’s weird and wonderful all at the same time, and that’s the internet for you. This revolution will go on for a long time to come. But for now, it’s time for me to get back to the herd.

Coming Soon...

... just what the world needs: another blog by some dude you've never heard of.