Not-so-Subliminal Advertising

For years companies have been using subliminal forms of advertising to attract consumers. A few years ago there was an uproar when the ice used in a Coke ad resembled a curvaceous, naked woman. Whether or not it was intended remains to be seen. Recently though, I’ve noticed a change in the trend. With all the subtlety of a Michael Bay movie, companies have been taking a new approach to appeal their products to us. I thought I should share some of my findings with the world. What follows are all real snippets from boxes at a grocery store and a suggestion for their taglines. There has been no altering or photoshopping in any way (though maybe a little creative cutting here and there).

"Nothin' says home cooked like Turd Corned Beef."

"Be sure to try our new line of sexy meats: Hot Beef, Horny Ham and Chicken Breast Implants."

"Take a dive into paradise with Muff."

"Proudly pumping cocks since 1897”

"Gimme Lean Sausage - you won't get stuffed."

"Liam Brand Ice - we’re cool. At least our mom says so."

The Great Liams

What’s in a name? Well, being a Liam, not much. It’s short and only has two syllables. When I was young it was an unusual name. Substitute teachers stumbled all over it. “Lie-am,” they’d say. Even my family had trouble with it. I remember getting my name tag at a family reunion, of all places, and it said “Leeum”.

‘Liam’ is Irish, meaning “determined protector”. It has a fairly noble meaning, yet in the public’s eye it’s a name that’s usually reserved for babies, drunken soccer hooligans or leprechauns. The sad truth is that ‘Dick’ has a better public perception than ‘Liam’.

It’s neat that there’s a movie called “Liam” but the tagline ruins any sort of pride I might have had: “Big Heroes Come In Small Packages.” Having a small package is not something any Liam wants to admit.

There aren’t even any famous historical figures named Liam. As much as I try to tell myself, Liam Wallace is not the same as William Wallace. The only famous Liams are actors and musicians. The most prolific is everyone’s favourite wise, movie-sage, Liam Neeson. Then there’s Liam Gallagher, the menopausal lead singer of Oasis. Liam Lynch, Beck’s anorexic clone who you might remember from a few years back. Now there’s some other Liam, Liam Titcomb, who’s trying to run my name into the ground.

A quick Google search proves what a merry band of losers we Liams are. There’s “Little Liam Bumblebee” who, while cute now, wont be for much longer. As I, and I’m sure many others, can attest, years of being called “Little Liam” will turn you into a cynical, angry despot. Not appearing on toy store shelves anytime soon, it’s the Liam doll. Just like Barbie, the new Liam doll loves Ken. Then there’s a drawing over at the Marci McAdams Print Shop of an anatomically correct purple cheetah in red briefs who just so happens to be named Liam. Go figure.

Sadly, those are just a sampling. It’s hard to see my people relegated to such depravity. With this in mind, I’d like to bring forth a call to action: Liams of the world unite. We need to undo the fate that has befallen our name. We are not going to be taken as a joke anymore. We are a great, mighty people. Let us work together and give meaning to our existence. Together, we will go down in history with the greats; the Johns, the Toms and the Davids.

See you in Hell, Pluto!

What’s your favourite Disney cartoon? Does it star Pluto or Goofy? Is it Lady and the Tramp? 101 Dalmatians? Whatever it is, imagine if all those lovable little canines were suddenly slaughtered in a massive dog eradication. Pluto’s now swimming with Nemo and Dory, Goofy got gunned down, Lady and the Tramp were ground up into meatballs and the 101 Dalmatians were finally skinned alive and turned into that coat.

This may sound like some kind of sadistic Disney movie from Hell but it’s actually a little closer to reality than one might think. Apparently, at the new Disneyland in Hong Kong, the company has given the green light to go ahead with plans to destroy nuisance dogs. The irony, the irony. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Where would Disney be if it weren’t for heartwarming tales about lovable animals surviving despite the odds? This news story sounds like the plot for one of the great Disney films of old: an evil corporation is threatening the lives of underprivileged dogs that are just barely getting by as it is.

I’m sure the Disney PR people went Bonkers when this story hit. To be fair, the higher-ups probably had no idea what was going on which is unfortunate because this couldn’t have come at a worse time. After a string of box-office duds over the last few years and the loss of Pixar, Disney isn’t the same illustrious organization that most of us grew up with.

As for Pluto and company, they’re probably regretting they signed those exclusive contracts with the house of the mouse. Had they joined the Don Bluth animation team they would probably be sleeping a little easier at night. After all, according to them, All Dogs Go To Heaven.